Like so many other puzzling weaknesses
in the design of humans - knees come to mind - addiction is a
weakness we can all become susceptible to under the right (i.e.,
wrong) conditions. Addiction is ubiquitous: there are over thirty
different twelve step programs, each addressing a different
addiction - the original, of course - alcoholism; but also gambling,
debting, narcotics, marijuana, sex, and many others. Just in terms
of dollars and cents, government estimates of the total overall
costs of substance abuse in the United States-including health and
crime-related costs as well as losses in productivity-exceed half a
trillion dollars annually. And that's just addiction to substances
- not shopping, food, or "love," just to name a few others.
How do so many of us get into the addiction
mess? Poverty, mental illness, childhood trauma - these are
commonly recognized predictors of addiction. On the other hand,
there are more than a few addicted millionaires, from what I've seen
and heard. My own experience of working with addicted people is
that in every case, no matter what the addiction, no matter what the
demographic, an addicted person is someone who has great difficulty
with healthy needs - knowing what they are, knowing how they can be
met, and believing that they can be met.
For example, Marty is a successful high
level executive, handsome and healthy, a church going man who loves his
wife and kids very much. When his wife discovered a trail of
internet porn sites on his computer, she was horrified and he agreed
to give up his habit and go to therapy. She didn't understand why,
when they were sexually active, Marty was still looking elsewhere.
I soon learned that when he was in high
school and his older brother died in a drug-induced accident, Marty
started drinking heavily until he too almost had a fatal car
accident. His parents were hard working people who weren't talkers,
especially where feelings were concerned. Once his brother was
buried, no one really talked any more about him. Marty straightened
out after his own brush with death, did well in school, and worked
his way up.
Marty got very good at pleasing others, his
bosses and clients, and he's a good provider, a good husband and
father. His own needs and feelings are the last things he thinks
about, if at all. So at night, when he was done being terrific at
work, and his wife and kids were in bed, he would feel restless,
exhausted and hyper at the same time, and the lonely, guilty
pleasure of viewing porn would help him end the day and get to bed.
Porn was a quick substitute for meeting
needs that he couldn't identify, let alone articulate. It had just
gotten easier, more reliable, to get a quick fix that didn't involve
having to give anything, or making actual connection with anyone.
It didn't occur to him that his real needs - the underlying needs
all humans have, for intimate connection, for affirmation and
support, for recognition and encouragement from the ones we are
closest to - could be acknowledged, verbalized, and met - and not by
his computer. The marital therapy work Marty and his wife
eventually did helped consolidate his understanding, and helped his
wife feel closer, too.
Addictions are tough to kick, and sometimes
medical solutions, such as detox and rehab for alcohol and drug
dependence, are necessary. But for most addicts, once the habit is
kicked, the hard part really begins. Many recovered addicts can get
good at meeting the needs of others - and some may stay sober by
trying to deny their own needs altogether. The harder part is
learning to acknowledge your own needs, letting people get close,
and letting people love you. As a member of the human race, you're
allowed to have needs, and not be held down by shame. Feeling
worthy enough, being able to be vulnerable enough to invite others
to meet your needs is a big part of recovering from addiction - and
recovering the capacity to love and be loved.