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When the Boss is a Bully
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I was once seeing two young women for therapy during roughly the
same time period, and the differences in how they each handled very
difficult bosses were instructive.
Carla could tell a good, amusing, entertaining story about the boss
she assisted and how insane he was. Eventually, Carla stopped
entertaining me and exposed how deeply resentful she really felt.
But Carla was so good at being perfectly accommodating that her boss
considered her indispensable, and came to depend on her more and
more. While Carla was complaining bitterly to me in therapy,
at her office she was smiling and entertaining and placating her
boss, without adequately setting reasonable limits.
Carla also had a boyfriend whom she complained about, yet she
couldn't stand up to him, even though we agreed he seemed to
endlessly avoid real commitment. As we explored further, the
pattern and its history became more visible. Carla had been
daddy's girl until Carla was a young teen, at which point her father
stopped being interested in his family and found a young girlfriend,
bought a motorcycle, copped out of paying for Carla's college
expenses, and so on. It seemed that Carla was used to
being in relationships where she gave her all, but ended up not
getting much in return, especially if she tried to get her needs
recognized. She kept working harder at being the perfect
daughter, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect assistant. She
had become used to being the one who did all the giving, and
couldn't see that she repeatedly got stuck in involvements with
people who responded to her ambivalently, as her father had, and
balked if she asked anything of them. Luckily for Carla, a
friend gave her name to another company, and she left her
underpaying job for a much better situation. But Carla still
needed to learn to believe in herself enough to form healthier, more
mutual relationships. As confident as she was in her talents,
she lacked confidence in her sense of authority and entitlement in
relationships.
Another patient I'll call Andrea had grown up feeling that her
parents had her back at all times; and that they trusted and admired
her. Andrea was working on important issues in therapy, but
confidence in what she deserved in her relationships wasn't one of
them. After an initial good year at her job, Andrea's boss
began playing her off against a co-worker. The boss was always
demanding more of her, but would make himself
unavailable to Andrea when he knew she wanted anything from him, and
wouldn't go to bat for her with the higher ups when it would have
been appropriate to do so. In her second year, after a holiday
bonus that fell short of what Andrea knew she deserved, she started
looking for work and quickly found a far better paying job.
She was careful to communicate with her new potential employers what
her salary requirements and expectations would be, and what her
hopes were in terms of office environment. Andrea and the
company heads who interviewed her hit it off beautifully.
At her new job, Andrea handles a good deal of stress in a highly
competitive environment. She probably stresses as much as
Carla does. The difference between the two women is that
Andrea doesn't feel trapped and stuck, and doesn't put on a happy
face while simmering with resentment when difficult situations
arise. Andrea maintains a positive sense of her value,
communicates assertively, and knows when to dis-invest
herself from dead-end situations.
Angry, selfish, envious, demanding, manipulative, sadistic -
whatever flavor of craziness a boss might come in, it's likely that
anyone who works will encounter a bad boss sooner or later. If
you are constantly frustrated about your boss,
and you're not finding ways to make your situation better, your
sense of your own value, and your patterns in relationships may be
part of the problem. If that is the case, psychotherapy could
be helpful in turning things around. When so much of life is
our work life, doing whatever it takes to make work better should be
a no-brainer.
© Daniel Shaw 2008 |