In Tammy Wynette's country
classic, the "D" word gets spelled out, not spoken
aloud, to protect the divorcing couple's young child.
Yet the lump in the singer's throat suggests that it
is she who can't bear to confront the brutal finality
of the word.
Many of the couples I see in my
psychotherapy practice, and many 0f the married
individuals, report that they feel so stuck,
discouraged, hurt and enraged about their relationship
that they don't know if they can keep going. Still,
many who are hopeless about their marriage can and do
find a way back, even from what seems like total
ruin.
Typically, each member of the couple will
have bitter complaints that go something like this: "I
hate when you do such and such to me." "Well I hate
when you do such and such to me." " I only do such and
such because you do such and such." "Well I only do
such and such because you do such and such." Etc.
If both partners can put their own hurts
aside long enough to see how they themselves have been
hurtful, the marriage has a real chance. But in many
cases, one of the partners becomes more and more
adamant, insisting that all the couples' problems stem
from the other person. Of course there are cases when
one of the individuals is indeed so derailed - for
example, from drug addiction, or chronic infidelity -
that there can be no progress unless those issues are
addressed. More typical, though, is a situation where
there is fault on both sides - even when the fault of
one is initially more apparent than the fault of the
other.
Sometimes, in cases where one partner
refuses to accept any responsibility, the other
partner will repeatedly back down and take the blame
to keep the marriage going. The backing-down partner
often develops "mysterious" chronic illnesses, like
headaches, gastrointestinal problems, or
muscular-skeletal symptoms, and may spend a good deal
of time looking to doctors and healers for sympathy.
On the other hand, the partner who never accepts any
responsibility for the marital problems may also have
a host of illnesses, which serve as a further blockade
to the kind of searching self-honesty that would allow
them to see their own part in the problem.
If one of you does all the accusing and the
other has to do all the apologizing,
eventually there will be, if not Divorce, then
Deadlock. Divorce is one way out of deadlock, and
sometimes it's the right way. Staying in a dead
marriage and being depressed, or finding distractions
(affairs, for example) are other, less constructive
ways of dealing with marital deadlock.
Most marriages arrive at deadlock at some
point, and often not just once. And most good
marriages that last are ones in which both partners
have worked hard, repeatedly, to take responsibility,
repair damages, apologize and forgive. We humans will
never be perfect, but we can keep on growing as
people, right to the end. If you're not growing as a
person - learning to develop more meaningful
connection with others, overcoming the shame of
acknowledging and addressing the destructive
tendencies in yourself that prevent intimacy from
deepening - your marriage isn't growing, either, and
it's probably time to get some help.
© Daniel Shaw 2009