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Parenting
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A friend, and the mother of 2 lovely children, recently told me, her
voice crescendoing with frustration, "You should write about what to
do when your child is being so impossible that, as much as you love
him, YOU ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE YOU COULD BECOME A CHARACTER IN A GREEK
TRAGEDY!" Greek tragedies - you know, those ancient dramas where
the parents murder their children, or each other, or all of the
above?
Full disclosure: I am currently a parent of a 10 year old boy and a
7 year old girl, and all too often I know just how that mom feels.
Like you, I struggle with putting good parenting intentions into
action. There's obviously far more to say about parenting than
I can do justice to here - and always more to learn - but here are a
few suggestions.
Aim to stay calm as much as you possibly can. Your anxiety,
resentment, losing your cool, flying off the handle, shaming and
blaming - it just serves as a bad model for your child to mimic,
feel hurt and rejected by, and throw back in your face. Being
calm when your child is being impossible models to the child that
problems, conflicts, and moods are normal human experiences that can
be addressed constructively. And it shows that you are
dependably in charge - not by force, but with strength.
Do others tell you your kids are terrific, and you're wondering why
they are often so impossible at home? For kids, growing up, going to
school, dealing with the social world and ever-increasing
responsibilities is a constantly challenging process. Kids are
doing all they can do to hold it together out there. Maybe
they need to be able to fall apart a little at home, and maybe we
need a little more empathy.
Kids are super-sensitive, and they easily pick up on your bad moods.
Transitions are often tough for them. Does your own moodiness
lead you to focus on all their flaws and forget to notice their
strengths, their efforts? Try cutting them some slack when
they act out - it often helps them calm down and get themselves
together more quickly.
If your partner is a calmer parent than you, stop resenting her (or
him), and resenting the kids for favoring him (or her).
Instead, ask for her (or his) support to help you become a more
relaxed parent.
Work on your connection to your partner/spouse. Get your power
struggles and other disconnection issues cleaned up. Your kids
need unified, mutually respectful and loving parents, not embattled
and embittered rivals. What kids learn about relational
behavior and what they act out is often exactly what you model to
them in your own relationship to your partner.
You are not perfect, you never will be, and no one else will be
either. If you can't admit that, you are officially a control
freak, which is to say that you need to get yourself under control.
When you dispel all illusions about perfection being a possibility,
it will be easier to be accountable for your mistakes and easier not
to be expecting perfection from your kid, or from your
partner/spouse. When you make a mistake and lose it with your kid,
honestly apologizing is a highly effective way of reconnecting and
healing. Don't forget to model forgiveness, too, when the
apology is aimed at you.
Finally, find people you can vent to about parenting who aren't
condescending and judgmental. You want to love, care for,
support and encourage your kids? Make sure you're getting all
those things, too - from friends and family who appreciate how much
you love your kids, how hard you try, and all the good you're
doing.
© Daniel Shaw 2008 |
